I Was Actually Happy: A Concert Story

Background info: I went to a concert in Dallas The headliner was Iann Dior, but Bernard Jabs and poorstacy played as well. I knew Bernard because him and Iann have a song, “Molly”, together and that was the first song I heard that got me listening to Iann more. However, I think I had heard of poorstacy but never listened to him. His set rocked my fucking world.

Part 2 background info: I hate crowds, I hate feeling unsafe, I hate not knowing where I am or who I’m around, and I hate being sweaty. Trolls: “Oh my God, then don’t go to concerts, idiot!” Shut up, troll, I love music.

Onto the story. First of all, poorstacy is the best performer I’ve ever seen hands down, and I’ve been to a lot of concerts. I wasn’t super stoked to see him at first, because I didn’t really know who he was, but I was utterly and pleasantly surprised. His music spoke to me on such a deep level that before this concert, only Linkin Park had reached. poorstacy reached the same level in one night as a band I’ve been listening to since birth and consistently have listened to in times of distress to desperately relate to someone. One night.

Something I’ve always struggled with as an INFJ is feeling like I belong anywhere and feeling like anybody in this world understands me. Until that night, I guess I only felt like Mike Shinoda and Chester Bennington did. Sadly, Mike would never notice me because he’s a star and Chester is… RIP. However, poorstacy literally spoke to us and was saying the most prophetic, loving shit—things that usually only I say or think—and was constantly trying to get closer to the fans even though his “guards” or bosses would tell him otherwise. He would stand amongst us, speak to us, tell us to really listen to the music. He didn’t put himself above us, he used his platform to ignite change in us.

His lyrics and passion hit me so hard I can’t even describe it. For those who know, I have panic disorder. So while I already hate crowds, feeling unsafe, and not knowing where I am or who I’m around, all of that is multiplied by a million because anything can set me off into having a panic attack. (Especially being hot and sweaty. Apparently since it’s a symptom of a panic attack, it can make you have one. Like, fuck me, right?) Keeping all of this in mind—I closed my eyes and just listened to the music. I was so… enveloped by my senses. No, I wasn’t on any drugs. It was literally the music. Only the music. It was crazy. I felt calm for once. Just listening to the music, hanging on every word, swaying.

At the end of the whole concert, I felt light as air. I wasn’t worried about a fucking thing. The night before the concert I was bawling my eyes out about starting my senior year in college and my panic attacks, but after the concert I didn’t give a FUCK about that. I could take on anything. School? Sure. Panic? Where? I was literally spinning with my arms out at one point, just smiling like I was in a tampon commercial.

Is this where the phrase “high on life” comes from? I mean, at risk of sounding like a meme…

My takeaway from that was that there are real people out there like me that understand me. I’m not alone. Also, the best weapon against panic attacks are endorphins? I need to find things that are actually fun and fulfilling to me. Sure, going out and shopping is fun, but it doesn’t fulfill me. I’m going to stop filling my life with empty happiness and start filling it with bliss.

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